First I tried pretending I was fine with it all……..
Then I just ignored that it was happening all together.
Then I began to feel the gravity of the situation.
Now I feel I am just waiting to fall apart.
Can I just go back to pretending I was fine now?
Being A Mom
I have always prided myself on being a good mom, ok great mom….well wanna be great mom. I made mistakes of course but from day one of finding out I was prego with my now oldest child, I dedicated my life to being the best mom I could be. Hell, I always knew I wanted kids from the time I can remember. I played with dolls until high school (embarrassing), and spent all my allowance on real baby clothes dressing them and my days “teaching” them. Yeah, I was a mom before that first son of mine made it official. I would have had many more if it was only up to me……I mean how cute are these little faces and the memories created.
Mentally I have always prepared myself to launch these kids into life with all the skills, love and support they could need. I feel I have completed my portion of the mission and now it is up to him to continue. Time to be letting go…..
Yep, my oldest is leaving and heading out on the journey of his life thus far, he is hiking the entire Appalacian Trail over the next 6 months before heading off to college. Letting go sure seemed easier in theory than what is now hitting me like a huge wave. It has been approaching all these years, I have it coming, I have been preparing myself, but the impending wave is now upon me and there is nothing left to do but hunker down, hold my breath and pray all my preparation will kick in.
Rainbows & Butterflies
This child of mine has not been easy let me tell you. There have definitely been moments where “only a mother” could handle because of the love she always carries for her own flesh. The boy was too cute when born, ok gorgeous, and everyone told him so. He was too smart for his own good. Restless by nature. Unquenchable thirst for knowledge. Never ending love of the outdoors. Hard headed beyond belief. Sensitive soul with a very big heart. The boy is hearty and yet so naive about the world still. Did I shelter him too much? Was it just right? The questions just swirl in my head endlessly now. I can not think of him without tearing up. Forget looking at pictures I think I may just fall into the fetal position for a few hours. Excuse me.
Shake it off. Every parent goes through this. I am no different. I am proud of the man he is becoming and proud I was chosen to start him on his journey in this life. I may be letting go of this little boy but I am gaining a whole new relationship with one very cool young man.
Funny, this almost feels like a death. A death of the life we had but yet a birth to our new relationship that lies ahead. Wow. No one ever told me it would feel like that. Well, no one ever told me how painful childbirth is or explained parenting teenagers would be the hardest thing I have ever done to date.
I will miss the little guy. I look forward to the man that emerges. Be safe. Call home when you can. Know your mommy loves you to the moon and back. Come home anytime for my cooking and yes, I will still do your laundry:)